A Long Way

Thirty-five years ago today, Robert and I, along with our families and close friends were sailing aboard The Majestic Princess in Boston Harbor at sunset as we exchanged our vows. Time sure passes fast! And around this time last year, I posted Good Advice, words of wisdom my relatives offered at my bridal shower all those years ago.

Rereading it, I’d have to say the phrases and sentiments still ring true. Among the suggestions were “Listen more than you talk”, “Don’t go to sleep mad”, and “Say thank you…often.”  Yes, this advice has stood the test of time. And while these guidelines pertain to maintaining a good marriage, what makes a good wife?

From my journal: June 21, 2020, Newbury Park, California

“Cleaning out my files, I came across a xeroxed typewritten paper from a 1950s high school Home Ec book…reading this ‘Good Wife’ list was like watching an episode of ‘Leave it To Beaver’!”

This is the essence of what the page entitled “How to Be a Good Wife” recommended.

• Have dinner ready. Plan ahead and have a delicious meal – on time.  This will let him know you’ve been thinking about him and are focused on his needs.

• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest before he comes home so you’ll be refreshed. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair, and be fresh-looking. He has been with work-weary people all day and he may need a lift.

• Clear away the clutter.  Tidy up the house and be sure toys and schoolbooks are put away. Dust the furniture, too. The order will allow your husband to rest and relax.

• Prepare the children. Be sure their hands and faces are clean and their hair is combed and their clothes are neat. They are little treasures, and he would like to see them playing the part.

• Minimize all noise. Do not run appliances upon his arrival. Greet him with a warm smile and let him know you’re glad to see him.

• Some Do’s: Do make him comfortable. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him when he walks through the door. Arrange a pillow for him in his armchair and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a soft, soothing, pleasant voice.

• Some Don’ts: Don’t greet him with grievances or problems.  Don’t complain if he is late for dinner. Think of this as a minor inconvenience compared to what his day at work may have been like.

• Listen to him. You may have dozens of things to tell him when he arrives but let him talk first.

• Make the evening his. Never complain if he doesn’t take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment. Instead try to understand his world of pressure and strain and his need for home to be a place to relax.

• In summary, make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Wow! When that was written, 75 years ago, the role of a wife was usually that of a homemaker, at least here in the United States. A wife was expected to take care of all aspects of home. Among her responsibilities were cleaning and tidying the house, meal planning, food shopping, and cooking, as well as laundering and ironing clothes. And if that wasn’t enough to fill every waking hour of every day, if a couple had children, she managed every aspect of their lives, too! She was in charge of teaching manners and good hygiene and overseeing the children’s schooling. Not only were these her duties, but she also had the job of tending to her husband’s wants and needs. Whew!

While the 1950s are remembered as a time of exemplary homes and flawless housewives, as portrayed in the media, it was also the start of change. With women marrying earlier, having fewer children, and having access to better healthcare, mothers began working outside the home once their children were of school age. In the late 1960s, the media started reporting that a shift had taken place, and no longer did a woman have to choose between a marriage and family or a job, they could have it all! It was also at this time that the Women’s Liberation Movement began, further changing how women were perceived and helping to redefine their cultural, socio-economic, and political roles. In addition, the evolution of technology and opportunities for education greatly impacted traditional marriage roles.

My experience as a wife for the last 35 years, has been more modern than conventional. Not having children, our lives have been more centered around our respective careers and the opportunities they’ve afforded us to travel and to live in different cities, states, and even abroad. And our marriage has been more like teamwork, making decisions about our roles and what works for us, while making compromises along the way.

Views on marriage and the role of a wife have changed tremendously in the last three quarters of a century. No longer is a wife expected to be subservient to her husband as in decades earlier. Today a wife and husband are seen more as partners, equals. The responsibilities for working, running a household, and if having children, raising them, rest on both sets of shoulders. Now it’s up to both spouses to create a happy and healthy marriage, family, home, and life together. And while a wife may still prefer a traditional role, the difference is that now it is considered her personal choice. We sure have come a long way, a long way indeed.